How it feels to be an exvangelical watching the U.S. government create the fundamentalists’ apocalypse dream
The tl;dr here is - not good!
The political events of the last few years have felt triggering for many folks, for good reason. AND there is a special kind of activation when the things the government is doing sounds very much like what the authority figures of your childhood did or told you would happen.
It’s validating, even vindicating, to see other people reacting negatively to this, but also so scary because we know what it’s like to be controlled by these kinds of people. It’s frustrating, even infuriating, to be able to see the patterns that others can’t or won’t.
We know that they’re deadly serious. And we know how hard it is to claw your way up and out of the communities that fundamentalists create.
We didn’t know to call it fascism, but that’s what we experienced
Sure, lots of people feel concerned about what the Trump administration has done in the last 16 months. But those of us who grew up in fundamentalist and evangelical Christian spaces? We recognize the language, the actions, and the stakes.
I don’t think any normal person really WANTS the U.S. to become an explicitly fascist country, but the people who grew up in fascist (as in, far-right, authoritarian, based on total control) religious settings certainly have the strongest case to make against it.
The manipulation, the victim-blaming, the gaslighting, and obfuscation, the twisting of language, that we are hearing from U.S. leaders, sounds familiar to us because we heard it all from religious leaders of our past. And when they get enough power to accomplish their goals, they create communities/states/countries that are near-impossible to leave.
The mindfuck of fundamentalist eschatology
Many of us were indoctrinated into fear, dread, even terror about what would happen in the End Times. Fire, flood, suffering, disease, confusion, chaos, violence. Many of us were taught that this was a good thing, a good God’s plan for closing the chapter on another failed Earth experiment and starting a new one.
As if that wasn’t confusing enough, we were also taught that you could THINK you would be spared, but you might wake up one day and realize that you actually didn’t do something right or well enough, and have to suffer with the rest of the heathens. Talk about anxiety-inducing. Shoutout (derogatory) to the Left Behind content machine for taking one guy’s wild theories* about how to interpret Revelation and making them a vivid reality for millions of people, including children.
I’ve heard from so many folks, clients and otherwise, who experienced deep harm and significant amount of panic and anxiety because of what their church and/or parents taught them about the end times. If you’re feeling extra triggered, activated, panicky, overwhelmed, or hopeless right now because of what was taught to you without your consent, know that you are not alone.
You are not the bad thing.
You are not crazy or being dramatic or too sensitive. Your nervous system is responding to the indoctrination you experienced at the most psychologically vulnerable time in your life, even if it’s been years since you believed any of it.
If you’re feeling angry, that makes sense. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that makes sense. If you’re feeling anxious, that makes sense. If you’re feeling numb, that makes sense. If you’re noticing more frequent or intense mental health symptoms, it makes sense. Your brain is good at noticing patterns so it can keep you alive!
How I’m coping
Grounding - sometimes that looks like stopping to take in visual data around me, finding the horizon line of wherever I am, naming 5 things I can see, etc. Sometimes that also looks like intentionally naming that I am my own autonomous person now, not trapped in the stifling and rigid religious lifestyle I used to be in.
Taking the long view - political leaders trying to create chaos, confusion, and war for their own ends is not new. During the time that the New Testament was written, it was Rome; since then, it’s been many different countries and empires. People have believed they were living in the end times for millennia now. This is not to invalidate our fear, but to ground it in a larger reality.
Empathetic support - allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for support from the folks in my life who really get it, who also have these lived experiences. Not just folks who can be sympathetic.
No bullshit - giving myself permission to not put up with things I’m not okay with, since it is technically true that we may not have much time left here.
However you’re coping and surviving, may you be well and find peace.
*Something that has been pretty helpful for me is realizing where the teachings about the Rapture and end times theology discussed in Left Behind actually came from - a guy in the 1800s who had experienced a traumatic brain injury! Read more about him and dispensationalist theology here.
